It is a thing that happened in my mind. I could not control it. Sometimes, I am feeling down. Sometimes, I am happy. And most of the time, I cry. When my friend asked me, ‘Are you okay?’ I will gladly answer ‘Yes. I am okay. Absolutely okay.’
But I am not. I feel like I am laying here in broken pieces and slowly turning into clouds of dust.
What if I answered, ‘No. I am not okay.’ and then what? What should I tell her? How can I describe the feelings I am feeling? How am I going to do that?
Would she understand my feelings? Would she be able to solve it?
It is a thing that I wish I could control. Sometimes, I wonder, why am I feeling this? Am I crazy? Or am I slowly turning into one?
I have absolutely no problems with my study. I got good grades. But beyond that, I am just an empty pieces wandering in the empty spaces. Sometimes, I feel unwanted. I try to make people feel loved and wanted because I know what it is like to not feel loved and wanted and deserted by people around you.
Have you ever felt like this?
It feels like, your world is slowly falling apart and yet, you cannot do anything to save it and no one can see it. You feel sad, you let the music speaks your heart out. You feel tired, you sleep. You want to feel happy, you watch some memes. You want to feel better, you make jokes.
But above all, it is the heart that has the problems. It is the heart that speaks. Could you feel the air? The feeling of something new? The feeling of the absence of something you don't know. Or the feeling of losing someone you love?
Could not quite understand it. But I am not giving up. I have goals to achieve. I will somehow manage but now, I think I am just going to keep staring at the stars and telling what I feel. Half of my heart knows that it could not solve anything but at least, I feel like the stars understand me better than people understand me. It just shines and not judging me. Well, at least, that is what I felt.
But, sometimes, have you ever wanted to cry but the tears just won't come. Then, you just stare blankly at the wall while feeling that your heart, your mind break into pieces.
Thinking about relationship. The past. The present. The future.
Little do you know, when a heart breaks, what sound does it make?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing but you know that it is breaking inside. There is silence because when a heart breaks, the person becomes the definition of emptiness. Even when our world crumbles and falls apart, it is silent. There is a cruel realization in heartbreak and it's that you know you're about to live where the sun is no longer shines, where you can't even see that your clouds have gone to grey, that the stars are no longer shine at it brightest.
The saddest end to a relationship is one where you have to break up with someone when you're still in love with him. It sounds bizarre and uncanny but it happens. Because the truth is, as powerful and as thrilling as it may be, love isn't always enough and to be in love doesn't always mean you're happy. You can continue to love someone even after they have hurt you but you know deep inside, it won't be the same again. Somehow, you just have to leave. Leave for the better.
Overthinking is a must for me. I cannot stop overthinking. When I am overthinking, I shut myself and push people away. I keep my distance from everyone. I become distant. I didn't reply or respond to any messages. I am losing myself for a while. I think. A lottttttt.
At one point, my friends already know why I don't respond to them for days. 😂 Thank you for being understanding.
Overthinking sometimes destroy my happiness and my mood. It makes everything worse than it actually is. So, that is why I keep myself distant.
My mind replays every single thing that happened in my life. I need to think. Before I do anything, I have thought of more than a hundred consequences to me and to other person because I know that I'll think about it again in the future. I don't want to regret it.
Lots of love. ❤️🍁
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